Manipulators may influence our decisions but we can resist!

Decisions take us to a new path or leave us on an existing path knowing that what we chose is better than the other options. Sometimes decisions are made consciously - necessity or an aspiration for improvement, sometimes only in retrospect did we realize that we were there, and almost always they take energy and strength from us. Let's start with "buttons". It is clear that if we are now in the midst of making a decision, it is very worthwhile to find out what the factors are that motivate/activate us, whether emotions, assets or experiences. The manipulations and the manipulators work on exactly the same buttons. They will "push them", that is, they will "guarantee" that we get what is important to us (they just won't give it in the end) or they will threaten that we will be exposed to what we don't like.

The buttons can be divided into two types - the "positive" and the "negative".

The "positive buttons" are the ones we would like to have (because we don't have enough of them) or the ones we have and wouldn't want to lose. For example financial security, self-confidence, leadership and leading, power, recognition and attention, love, and acceptance. It is worth understanding how important they are to us, why they are important and maybe they have substitutes. You should stick with a distilled list of the things that are most important.

The "positive buttons" will spur us forward to make the decision. The better the decision, the more "positive" it will be for us, where we will get what is important or lose less, and if there are already risks, they will at least be understood and maybe even managed.

The "negative buttons" are the ones we don't like and would like to avoid or reduce. For example conflicts, anger, rejection, criticism, abandonment, failure, feelings of guilt, loneliness, exposure. Here, too, it is useful to understand if it is really very difficult for us to deal with them, and in the first step to acknowledge this.

The "negative buttons" will stop us, leave us stuck, because the very decision will have them surge.

Both in the matter of manipulations and in the matter of decisions, you should dive deep, and remember that many times it is easier to do it while talking and discussing with other people. A little bit about manipulations, before we get to the timing.

What are the relationships that allow manipulation?

• Close family members; romantic partners (including exes);

• Work relations - bosses, our peers and subordinates;

• Long friendships (if someone new enters our life who makes us feel uncomfortable, we'll stop this relationships and have the manipulator disappear);

• Professional relationships such as doctor-patient, lawyer-client - in places where there is a pre-existing inequality in knowledge/expertise and needs.

There is a list of fairly simple manipulation tactics. The excellent book "Who's pulling your strings", by Harriet B. Braiker, talks about black and white manipulations, although they are also tactics that can be used for good deeds for others. Here we focus on mechanisms that are cynically designed to make the other person do something they do not want or is not in their best interest, for the sake of the manipulator.

1. Charmers, or just "very nice" people. You probably know those, charismatic, charmers, those who make other people feel great. How do you do that? Giving compliments so that someone will do something for them, acting charmingly or giving a small gift before asking for something, saying that they will do some favor (and not meaning to) if someone does what they want for them.

2. Do the "quiet treatment". Generally relevant between spouses but also those who live together or are physically close - do not react until someone has done what they wanted, ignore, remain silent or refuse to do something they need until someone does what they want.

3. Forcing. For example, demanding someone to do something - even if they have no authority to force. This is true both in the workplace and in interpersonal relationships beyond that. Yelling, criticizing, cursing or threatening until someone does what they want.

4. Use logic (only it's actually one-sided). They give reasons and explanations why it is necessary or worthwhile to do what they want, make a list of all the good things that will happen, ask someone why they don't do (or stop) what they want, make a list of all the good things that will happen if someone does the thing they want.

5. Going into regression, becoming a bit like little children. Nagging, whining, nagging until someone does something. Think about it - we all know such people and if they are close to us or we have a relationship with them for many years - it often works. What can't be done to make them stop already and shut up.

6. Lower and lower their value and capabilities. They just can't do something - then they ask you or it's "obvious" that you have to do it because they're just bad at whatever it is. They don't learn to do something so that other people will have to do it for them.

And finally, what about the timing? People are vulnerable to manipulation when they are required to make decisions. In periods of professional, family change, when we have lost something/someone very important, when we are in a period of great stress or uncertainty, it is easier for us to push the buttons.

These are times when our identity is redefined and there we too can gain big or lose very important things. Another reason to make informed decisions!

Good luck with reducing the manipulations, and in making good decisions!